Days and more days passed, and in the same position I stayed, as if I were dead, because even a beautiful bouquet of yellow lilies was placed on top of me. Despite being apprehensive not knowing what they were going to do with me, I still had hope of not being kept for months in a furniture storage room. That was my biggest concern, because I couldn’t see myself inside a box, this box inside a box and the box inside a huge box called “container” in the English language, which would be sealed to prevent anyone from opening and steal something. I know I’m not real people, but I already felt suffocated, just thinking about the possibility of being packaged. But I never gave up hope of staying with my parents, because every time my mother looked at me, I felt that she was planning something, and I felt that something good was going to happen.

The house was all overturned, and I was placed on top of a yellow bag which I felt had been prepared to wrap me in. Meanwhile, I watched my mother on the computer preparing the list of what they packed. One night, my mother looked at me and left the room. I thought a little scared: “What will happen to me?”. I think it was at that moment that she went to talk to my father, and they made the decision to leave me with them and take me to the new apartment. I heard my father tell one of his daughters over the phone that I would stay with them in their new apartment. My mother managed to convince him using the excuse that my skin could deteriorate if it was packed in a warm place for too long. It was my luck. My mother knew how to use a good argument. When my parents were engaged, he gave my mother a beautiful doll that looked like a real thing. Her eyes were beautiful and very different from mine… they were blue. Mine are almond brown, but they are also very pretty. The doll had a serious problem as the paint used to paint her face started to melt due to the heat. So my father soon agreed to let me stay, thinking maybe the same thing would happen to me. But what I really thought was that he was already used to me at home. Even though I’m a doll, I look like the real thing. I heard my father talk about it. He said that when he woke up during the night and saw me sitting on the piece of furniture in front of the bedroom door, he got scared. But, I think I’m better than if I were a real daughter, because I don’t give work or worries. The house was very empty after Claudia and Paula left. I feel like I filled in a little bit the space your daughters left. I feel happy about it.

One day I got worried. My heart began to beat faster. They put me on the bed along with some things they intended to pack, and the yellow bag was placed with it. I thought to myself, “Have they changed their minds?” I heard when they said that I was too big and would take up a lot of space in the luggage that would be taken later to the warehouse. Would a little doll make that much of a difference along with all the stuff they were carrying? After all, I’m not that big… Maybe this wasn’t an excuse that my parents were finding for not carrying me through the airport with them and being another hindrance during that very tiring trip they were going to make back to Brazil.

Standing still on the bed for so long, one day I felt like doing something very different. I took advantage of a weekend that my parents left, and I quickly got out of bed not only to have some fun, but also to see the boxes already packed. I was curious to know if there might be any danger of me being placed with her belongings that were going to be packed.

The first thing I did was quickly go into the next room and see how the moving situation was going. It was Paula’s room and it was very different. In one corner of the room my father put all the rugs rolled up. How many boxes did my father pack!!! I think there were nearly sixty boxes. All very well packaged, to save space and pay less at the warehouse where they would stay for a year.

As my father said, the employees that companies usually send to pack the move, usually put few objects in the boxes. Therefore, the company earns much more money. Nowadays it is very difficult to trust people. I decided to climb on top of the rugs and see everything from above, but I think what I really wanted to do was play, because I’m really carried away like Teresa.

When Teresa was a little girl, she loved to climb trees or play other games like that. It was good that she was used to this kind of joke, because when she was just ten years old, while the family was together during the holidays and watched the fireworks at Disney World, she got lost. As she was always very smart, she decided to climb a tree to look for her parents. When my father looked around for her, he saw Teresa up in a tree. The whole family ended up being happy again. Can you imagine if they lost Teresa!!!

One day I heard my father talking about how tired he was of packing boxes and suitcases. Poor guy, all his life he spent packing and unpacking the family’s move when they moved to another city or country. The living room that I thought was beautiful, looking like my great-grandmother’s time, was now very different. On the center table my mother placed all the objects she liked best. In the left corner, their best books and albums with memories of the time they lived in England. Very important time in family life. In these albums there were memories of their arrival in London with their three daughters, Teresa, Claudia and Paula, in 1986, and Teresa’s farewell returning to Brazil in 1987. There were also photographs of all the birthdays that the family spent in building number 30. called Sandringham Court, from Cláudia and Paula’s graduations and Carlos Eduardo’s weddings to Angela and Teresa to José Américo. There were still photographs of the births of Stephanie, Rebecca, Caroline and Matthew, her first grandchild. The most important photographs for my mother were those taken celebrating her and my father’s wedding anniversaries during the thirty-seven years of marriage. Anyway, as my mother always says, these albums are really precious to her.

Over two weeks, more than ten companies came to assess the cost of the move. My mother had to be very patient as she had to repeat the same instructions and explanations, sometimes three times a day. What she recommended most was the care of her art books and albums.

My mother lined it with T-shirts, the lining of old skirts and used long pants, as she didn’t even have time to go to the stores to buy her own fabrics.

Their room was also all messed up with boxes everywhere. On top of the dresser were the pieces that still needed to be packed. How different was the room that my mother always kept tidy. How much work was left for my father to do…

My mother decided to leave me without a hat in the house. I heard your English friend Leonora say that you don’t wear a hat inside the house. I always thought this was just for grown-ups. Nonsense, no? Is this an English thing??? The English are full of novelties and labels, but, like them, I also think that education and culture are important in a person’s life. The English use the word “upbringing” a lot, a very complicated word to say. “Upbringing” means the way you were educated, and especially where you studied. But, I didn’t mind when my mother took my hat off, just so people could see my golden cornrows. I also liked it because it is much cooler and I can play more at will. I decided to put my hat on, but it fell off again as I tried to walk fast. Let me see what’s going on in the dining room and kitchen, because they might come back. Wow… how much box!!! I’m going to see if I can climb the last one and feel really tall, looking like a grown-up.

Upps!!! I almost took a tumble!!! If not secured, maybe they’d find me lying on the floor. A fall from that height would be very dangerous. What work my father had… all this he did alone, because he wouldn’t let my mother handle any heavy boxes. My father is very strong, determined and responsible. Good, I could see everything, and feel good that I have a good chance of not being packed. Fortunately, I won’t take up much space in the apartment they’ll be living in, despite hearing that it’s quite small. My parents were very lucky to find this apartment very close to where they lived. Well, I think I’ve seen all I wanted to. More importantly, I’m pretty sure I won’t be boxed. I think it’s good before they arrive, put me in the same position they left me, lying as if I were dead with the beautiful yellow lilies on top of me.

The days went by, it was already Thursday. Early on Friday, I heard that part of the move would be taken by the moving company. How many trips did they make to the new apartment, taking what was going to stay with them. How happy I was when, on one of those trips to the apartment, my mother put me on her lap and took me along with other bags she had prepared. What a relief I felt… I was going to live in a real house. My new address: 8D, Stuart Tower. I really liked the name. As soon as we entered the apartment my mother went straight to her room. She had already arranged a special little place for me.

I sat on a very nice piece of furniture that had a drawer at the bottom, and behind it was a very large oval mirror, and it was painted with a paint that looked like gold. What I liked the most was that I would stay in the room with them, being able to distract myself by watching their movement. Along with me, my mother brought what she thought was most important to start a new home, such as flowers and picture frames with pictures of her children and grandchildren. I also brought, to my surprise, a little fox in the shape of a stole, which belonged to my father’s mother, whose name is Hilda. She had bought this fox in the forties, in one of the most famous stores on Fifth Avenue, in New York. I heard she was very elegant. The little fox was already very old, and her fur was falling out a lot, so they decided not to pack it. I was happy, because the little fox was in a part of the dresser very close to me. I no longer felt so alone. As soon as my mother brought me back to the old apartment, I took the opportunity to take a look at this place that I was already enjoying, and feeling like I was in my own home. The first thing I did was stand up in the mirror and see myself for the first time.

How beautiful I thought I was… Fortunately I was no longer decorated like a Christmas tree, and I could see how long my cornrows were. Continuing to look at myself in the mirror, I noticed that I still don’t have any shoes, but that didn’t bother me, as I always live indoors. My mum’s idea of ​​taking me to London museums and writing books for children with pictures taken of me visiting museums hasn’t happened yet. My mother always thinks about the education of children. He always says that reading is part of education and has to be cultivated since the child is very small. So, through these little books, she thinks about educating the children a little more. My mother needs time, but time passes so quickly that she never does what she really likes, which is reading, writing and using the computer. I know all this, because I always listen when he complains. Wow… and how complain!!!

As soon as I got down from where I was, I immediately went to see the little fox, because I had never held a little animal that had died so long ago, and it still seemed alive. I quickly got a name for her, as I think everyone should have their own name. Well, I thought I’d call you Sweetie. The way it was arranged on the shelf it looked real. It just seemed to be resting with its eyes wide open, seeming to see everything and even see me. Unfortunately Sweetness didn’t keep me company for long, as my mother thought she was occupying a very noble place in her room, not that she didn’t deserve it, but that space would be used to put her books. Even after the change came out, she didn’t stop buying books. And so, Sweetness, after being very well packaged, also went to the warehouse. One day we will meet again when we arrive in Brazil.

I continued my search of the apartment. The bathroom was all pink. On the wall was a huge mirror with a gilded frame. The faucets were also gilded. I immediately climbed onto the sink to see myself again. I thought to myself: “How vain I am. I even look like real people with this exaggerated vanity… I need to learn to control myself”.

I couldn’t resist going up on the garbage can and seeing the view of the city, because from the eighth floor it must have been very beautiful. I had never lived in such a high place.

What bad luck, my mother put an arrangement of lilies right in front of the window, but I’m going to pull it a little to the side, and then I’ll put it in the same place. I just can’t forget. I found this arrangement of yellow flowers very pretty and cheerful next to a white lace curtain. My mother is very romantic, and everything she does, she does with care to look as good as she can. The apartment after all decorated was very beautiful. Her style was English, looking like her friend Leonra’s apartment.

When I returned from the kitchen, I noticed that there were two new cushions on top of the chair in the living room. I think Paula had sent it as a gift for Mother’s Day. I can see from the card that came with it how sweet Paula is. I think that a cushion embroidered with the phrase “King of the remote” was the one that arrived especially for my father. He really likes to watch TV. Paula has a very good mood, this is a sign that she is very happy.

When my father arrived in the afternoon, the apartment was already ready to be used. Everything was already in its places. The apartment was small, but it had one good thing: it had a lot of closets, and it was enough to accommodate everything they brought. The next day I felt that the two of them were happy, especially my father, because the move had gone ahead and they had managed to fulfill that mission in just a few days, of vacating the apartment in Sandringham Court where they had lived for nine years. The owners of the apartment decided to sell it, and only gave them two weeks to move.

We had been living in the new apartment for a while, when things started to change. I started to get annoyed, because they took me out of the place I was and that I had so much fun watching the movement of the two, to put me in a corner outside the room. They had to put the computer right in the corner where I was. What bad luck…

The worst happened one weekend, when they returned home with a fake scarecrow bought at the Portobello fair. They put it right next to me thinking I would be happy. Happy getting close to a scarecrow!!! At the same time I turned my back on him, because I noticed that my mother had liked him very much, and I was immediately jealous.

Even a name that at first I thought was horrible, she had come up with for him… Happy. How could he be called Happy being made of straw, and not even having real legs and arms? How could he be called Happy being a scarecrow, who spent his life scaring people, being pinched by birds and being at the mercy of strong winds, sun and storms!!! I’m glad I’m a doll… I live in a very comfortable house and I’m very well cared for.

I had been feeling very sad and alone for many days, because my mother hardly looked at me. I remember when he came very close to me and placed a beautiful yellow lily in my hat. It was on the occasion of Easter, when the city’s parks are covered with this little yellow flower. So I had plenty of time to think about poor little Happy Scarecrow, and how he must have suffered before my mother bought him and placed him near me. I thought he must have gone through what I went through hanging around at street fairs waiting for someone to buy me, and above all being a scarecrow and not having any legs to walk. Poor Happy… So, while I was alone and always thinking about Happy, I decided to be good and become her little friend. With great affection, I took him in my lap… how happy he was.

I saw at that moment that my mother had been right about the choice of her name. But, thinking about it, he could be happy being a scarecrow and being pecked by birds and other animals that destroy crops. Do you know why? Because crops are transformed into food for little children and their families. It is often thanks to the scarecrows that the little plants grow, as they prevent the little seeds from being eaten. What I’m most sorry about is that he always has to dress a little shabby, and the shabbier the better in order to scare away the birds. Unfortunately, sometimes Feliz got so ugly, so ugly, that it scared people too. Doll is quite different. They are like people, the more adorned they are, the prettier they are.

So I continue my doll life. Sometimes they put me in the room with Feliz, and we can have a little fun. No one takes us on the street.

But I don’t get upset, because it would be ridiculous for the two of us to walk down the street with our parents. After all, they are not children anymore. My only wish is that soon my mother will find some time and start writing stories with photographs of me in museums or elsewhere in the city of London. I think that’s how I’m going to get to know a little about this city, which I always hear my mother say seems to be enchanted with its stories of kings and queens that have existed for almost a thousand years. How I would like to know how to read and be able to go to libraries like people do… but I’m just Charlotte, a doll who would love to become people forever.

London, March 1998

MARIA LUCIA DA COSTA